Session 49: The Killer Teletubbies (May 23, 2024)
Last session, our heroes began their journey out of Eken towards Bad Zamdorf. To get there they needed to pass though a forest, nourished by its proximity to the River Sarn and Cryptop. Maho and Suzuki had an opportunity to catch up. Heph got right to work studying the Lucien Blind schematic with Maho’s help, determining he could construct a device to remove a Blind with 300gp of supplies and a short rest’s worth of time. Elias pulled a prank on Suzuki, summoning a be-jeaned illusory berserker named Thog the Destroyer on the hearse. Maho and Suzuki responded to this in true Hojo fashion by tossing him over the back of the wagon.
Some time later on their journey, Maho noticed a woman following the party from the underbrush off the side of the road. She was fully nude except for an owlbear pelt draped over her back and head, ending in large taloned paws held in her hands. Around her neck was an hourglass on a hempen sting. She was covered in wounds and blood, some of which didn’t seem to be her own. The party stopped to talk to her, and while she tried to attack Thog they managed to calm her down. She kept repeating phrases like “run away”, “attack”, “hurt”, “beast”, “Aelos”, “Kogar”, and “gonna blow”. The party followed her to a cave, outside of which was evidence of a large boot-shod party. Inside they found an injured owlbear, around which were a number of singed camping implements like bed rolls and packs, scattered out from a single charred area of ground. Elias carefully fed the owlbear and the woman some health potion, seeming to earn their trust.
Just then Karrl spotted two owlbears approaching the cave. Heph dispatched Karrl to bring the goliaths, and Maho set about intimidating the approaching owlbears, delaying their entrance. Together with the woman, the injured owlbear, Suzuki, and Tomatsu, the party defeated the invading owlbears.
They inspected the hourglass on the woman’s neck. The sand always flowed in one direction, no matter its orientation. Engraved on the bottom in elvish were the words “Aelos Zinnan, Sand of the Life”. They removed it from the woman, and suddenly standing in her place was an owlbear. The turquoise light they saw during the transformation reminded them of the sirens and carapskit they had encountered before. Elias revealed that Aelos Zinnan was a high-ranking official in Kogar Mistwall’s retinue. Heph recognized that the hourglass was part of a pact with some sub-god creature that Aelos would not die until the sand ran out.
The party then tried putting the hourglass on various creatures, including Woahdoe Boedough, who transformed into a man wearing a high-collared black cloak lined in red fabric. They then searched the cave, finding another Hexicon badge, and settled in for the night.
- In the morning, Elias plays with Killit while Heph is
making his Eyes
- He takes some damage
- Overnight, Elias had stolen the hourglass from Heph, but lets him know in the morning
- Struck by inspiration, Maho is lining the lip of the sheath of her katana with runes and dwarven script
- Heph asks what the runes affect, and Maho explains it will hopefully affect the sword as it is drawn
- As we are packing up to leave, Elias gives Killit his rat skull bracelet as a token to remember him by
- On the way out, Elias hunger games salutes Killit, and she puts her paw up and licks it a few times in return
- The group finishes packing up and heads out of the cave to the cart and horses
- The goliaths at the cart greet the group as we head back, and shortly after the group is loaded up and heading out
- A few hours later, the forest thins out, and we enter Bad Zamdorf
- Elias notices a flurry of motion, and Heph sees it a
moment later, and it is Frederick with a very tired
Thom, running away from some individuals fast walking after them
- There are 3 individuals chasing them, wearing fuzzy white robes, almost like bathrobes, with accents of various colors in the rope and stitching, moving with purpose but carrying no weapons
- Heph sends a message to Frederick: “Who are you running from?”
- He responds “we are being chased by 3 teletubbies who got very upset when we were digging for Jörnann’s sister’s grave, praise Jörnann, praise -” as Heph cuts him off
- Heph relays this, although he doesn’t quite understand what a teletubby is
- Heph sends another message, “do you need any help?”
- Frederick responds “these teletubbies do not praise Jörnann as they should, praise Jörnann, praise Jörnann… yes please”
- Heph messages “circle back around and jump on the hearse”
- Frederick responds “acknowledged, praise Jörnann, praise Jörnann, praise -” and Heph cuts him off again
- Heph, Maho and Elias see Frederick loop around the back of a house, then head back to the street, the 3 individuals in hot pursuit, looking like they’ll catch up behind the house
- Heading around the side of the building, Elias spots 3 more
“teletubbies” hiding in the pool and tells Heph and Maho
about it
- Elias shoots a Baby’s First Projectile at Fist #5, getting a glass of milk for his trouble which he downs
- Thom asks Frederick what to do, and Frederick tells Thom to “get behind me my queen” and Thom expresses that he wishes Frederick would stop calling him that
- Fist #4 attempts to grapple Frederick, but Frederick brushes it aside while yelling “FOR JÖRNANN!”
- Fist #6 moves up and punches at Frederick, missing very badly
- Fist #5 moves up and punches at Frederick, missing one punch badly but hitting the second one
- Fist #3 runs up to Heph, hitting him once
- Fist #1 says “we don’t want any interference here” and tells us to leave, Heph successfully deceives them that they will, and runs away
- Fist #2 doesn’t buy it, and punches at Heph, but the armor blocks the attacks
- Frederick tells Fist #5 to bow down to God Queen Jörnann with dissonant whispers and kills him, and then gives Elias bardic inspiration, screaming “PROTECT THE QUEEN! PROTECT THE QUEEN!”
- Heph says that #2 is right that he’ll punch back, and punches #2 and #3 with his thunder gauntlets
- Maho takes in her surroundings, marches over to Fist #1, who is thoroughly fooled and greets her like a friend, and she pulls out her katana and slices at him, knocking him back 10 feet, and then sheaths the sword and pulls it back out again, attempting to shoot a laser beam at him but missing as he is stumbling back, being an uncool version of a matrix dodge
- Maho steps up to make a second attack, but misses the second attack
- Elias runs around the corner, shooting at #6, hitting him with
another Baby’s First Projectile, and #6 shrinks to half his size as he is
affected by the reduce spell
- Thom continues cowering behind Frederick
- #4 punches at Frederick, hitting him a couple of times
- #5 recognizes that Thom seems to be the important one, and runs around Frederick to grapple Thom, then starts to drag him away
- Frederick tries to stab at #5 as a reaction, but misses
- #1 continues to chase after the rest of the group, thoroughly convinced Maho hitting him was an accident, and Maho slices him for 20 damage and restraining him as he tries to move away from her
- #2 punches at Heph, missing one punch terribly but hitting the second
- #3 turns to Maho, does a little bit of Tai Chi, and a snake of water spirals out of the pool and pulls her to himself
- #7 suddenly makes an entrance, vaulting over the bed in the house and charging Elias, who insults him and causing him to miss the punch, and Elias then gives advantage to Frederick
- #7 takes a second punch, but misses that one, and Elias insults him again
- Frederick casts Earth Tremor on #6, who is surprised and loses his grip on Thom
- Heph casts Thunderwave, hitting both #3 and #2, knocking #2 back 10 feet
- Maho sheaths her katana and pulls it back out again, slashing #3 and pushing him back 10 feet
- Maho moves in, and slices at #3 again, bringing him nearly to death
- Elias pulls out Jarles telling him it’s time to stab
again, Jarles is excited about it and helps Elias
land the blow, and he manages to stab #7
- Elias bonus action disengages and runs away from #7, getting closer to Frederick
- Thom looks to Frederick, who tells Thom to punch #6 in the nuts, he is convincing enough and Thom punches #6 in the nuts, which surprises him a bit
- #6 retaliates by kicking Thom in the nuts, Frederick yells “Fuck” but doesn’t distract him enough and the kick lands, knocking Thom unconscious, grabbing him and starting to carry him away
- #4 punches at Frederick, Elias says “you’re a nerd!” and gives himself advantage, and #4 knocks Frederick out, picks him up, and starts walking away
- #7 runs after Elias and takes damage from booming blade, landing two punches on Elias
- #1 takes some non-lethal damage from the chains on his turn, and goes unconscious
- #3 punches Maho a few times
- #2 casts Burning Hands, dealing some damage to Heph but Maho endures it
- Maho tells Heph she has it covered, so he dashes away to get to Elias and the rest of the group
- Maho kills #3, her katana getting cold and then warm again, and attacks #2, bringing him down to 1 health, but misses multiple action surges to try to finish him off
- Elias sees Frederick and Thom
down, and booming blades #7 again, shoving Jarles through his
face and raises him up, cutting #7’s head in half, then hiding behind the shed
- Jarles seems to enjoy killing now
- Thom fails a death save
- #6 drags Thom further away
- #4 drags Frederick away
- #8 jumps out of the house and runs at Heph, stomping the ground, but Heph manages to save from the Earth Tremor
- #2 punches at Maho, hitting one of the punches
- Frederick fails a death save
- Heph punches #8, landing one of the punches
- Maho pulls out her Katana and slices at #2, sending him back 10 feet, then steps forward and delivers a killing blow, kicking him into the pool after stabbing him through the stomach
- The sword again grows cold, then warms back up again as she kills the guy
- Elias fires a Cupid’s Little Prick at #4, which hits and causes #4
to be attracted to Frederick, then runs behind a tree
and tries to hide, but doesn’t quite manage it
- Thom succeeds on a death saving throw
- #4 seems panicked about the injuries Frederick has sustained, pulls out a vial filled with soothing light blue liquid, uncorks it and pours a potion of healing into Frederick’s mouth, healing him for 5 health
- #6 is going to freak out about that, and keep running with Thom under a nearby tree
- #8 punches twice at Heph, hitting one of them
- Frederick, now back up, viciously mocks #4, calling him so fat that he has a gravitational field, which damages him badly and causes him to cry a single tear, and also take 5 heart damage
- Heph punches #8 in the face, and then activates his defensive field again
- Maho runs around the corner, pulls out her sword to zap #8, but misses, and runs up to #8
- Elias runs around the tree and shoots a Cupid’s Little Prick at #6, wildly missing and hitting Thom, causing him to fail a death save and fall in love with Elias
- Thom succeeds on a death saving throw
- #8 punches at Heph, missing both punches, one so badly he slips and takes a bit of damage
- #4 asks Frederick how he can say something so cruel, to which Frederick responds “fuck you teletubby”, causing an additional 2 heart damage
- #6 leaves Thom under the tree, runs up and casts Burning Hands at Elias, who passes the save
- Frederick mocks #4 again, asking if he is a eunuch because his hormones must be fucked up to make him so fat, then pokes his flab, dealing the final heart damage, causing him to sink to his knees, despondent
- Heph punches at #8, missing both punches, Elias insulting him to give himself advantage
- Maho, as she runs by, just cuts #8 down and keeps running, her sword once again growing cold
- She again pulls out her sword to launch a beam at #6, missing, and Elias tells her she is lucky he already used Silvery Barbs
- Maho sheaths her sword and tries to throw a handaxe at #6, crit failing and hitting Elias instead, dealing half damage
- Elias walks confidently up to #6, lethally shoving Jarles through his face and twisting, which Jarles seems to really enjoy, then points the sword at Maho and says “fuck you”
- Elias searches #4’s body, his name was Chad and he had an ID card
for the grotto, he was a massage specialist
- All of the guys have ID cards for the grotto, #8 also was a massage specialist
- Frederick explains that they were mad because he tried to dig up Jörnann’s sister’s body, so he could move Jörnann to that body, and apparently that made them mad
- Maho asks if this is normal for Bad Zamdorf, and Frederick says “apparently”
- The Grotto is a massive network of underground caves which have been converted to relaxation rooms, but it was built near Sarnann’s tomb, and they seem to know this and want to keep people away
- Sarnann is Jörnann’s sister, a goddess with aspects of water who is the namesake of the River Sarn
- Frederick knows all of this, explains it to the party, and asks the party if we will help dig up Sarnann, know that we have taken care of the teletubbies
- Elias says we’ll think about it, but we should lick our wounds first, and Frederick says he’s been staying at an inn
- Elias asks what would happen if Thom died, Frederick seems to think that if one of the entities died it wouldn’t necessarily kill the other, it might just result in a single body, and he conveys out loud that two souls in one body hasn’t really happened before, and killing one may not kill both
- He stops to think for a minute, and says let me go cast cure wounds on Thom
- Elias, who was thinking about killing Thom to get rid of Jörnann, realizes Frederick is probably going to kill Thom, whips out his tentacle rod and uses it on Frederick, knocking him out again
- Heph explains a bit about what is going on with Thom and Frederick, and Maho grabs Thom to carry him back to the cart
- Elias asks Heph to bring back Frederick and walks away, but casts mage hand to help a tiny bit
- Getting back to the hearse, Elias explains the encounter was more
successful than it appears, and then blames his bad fortune on Heph
and Maho, then climbs into the cart and slams the door
- Maho explains that she doesn’t know what is going on, this is more confusing than she is used to
- The group decides to figure out where Frederick is staying by Weekend at Bernie’s-ing him with Minor Illusion, and when they try at Sal’s Castle they find that Frederick still hasn’t paid his tab there
- Elias props Frederick up at the bar, explaining he’s been day drinking again and will probably pay when he wakes up
- Elias slides the bartender a piece of paper, which is the coupon for a free drink at Sal’s Castle, and Elias asks for the nicest thing he can get with the coupon, which is a glass of Centennial Wine
- The bartender notes that Elias is covered in blood, Elias says don’t worry most of it isn’t mine, and the bartender is slightly scared by this but he has to respect a man with a coupon
- When the bartender comes back, Heph also turns in his coupon for one
- Elias chugs it down and tips a silver piece and walks out of the bar
- The plan is to take Thom to another cheaper hotel, and leave Frederick behind to regain consciousness
- As Elias steps out of the bar, a gloved hand grabs him and pulls him to the side
- A cloaked figure with his hood drawn says to Elias “good to see you brother, we need to talk”
- Maho is too busy contemplating ordering for the group, and Heph is too busy drinking his wine to notice this happen to Elias